The Ghost of the past

It has been a year..

Since what? You may ask..

Have you ever gone through the saved photographs or memories after a year and think so much has happened since then? We all did, right.

Now, this is the contemporary version of going through those old photographs. There were some Snapchat photographs from a year ago. They are the bits of my past I hold on to very dearly. They are the little things I cherish of the bygone past.

But yesterday was different. Usually, those snaps from a year ago bring me a smile. But this snap that I saw yesterday brought out a ton of mixed feelings and emotions which I honestly didn’t know how to handle.

Well, this particular snap was just this old photograph of a laptop with YouTube playing my favorite songs on the playlist that ‘HE’ had created very lovingly. There was a timestamp added to it, which read 2.52 a.m and beside the laptop, it was his pack of cigarettes and a half glass of whiskey that he was drinking all night, chatting with me, playing with my hands and pulling me to his side. I took this snap when he went into the kitchen for more snacks. By HE, I mean, the ex-boyfriend who broke me into bits and pieces and crushed my heart into sand.

The ironical part is that I took this photograph to lock it in my memories forever. It was an entirely different time, that seems so far, far away right now. I still remember the way he smiled at me while I gulped down the whiskey and made a face at the bitter taste of the whiskey. He stared at me like I was a kid.

As I took a trip down that memory lane, unwillingly or rather helplessly, my roommate sensed the discomfort and the distaste creeping upon my face. She knows what that expression on my face means. She asked me what happened. I narrated what happened.

You see, I got over him. It had been eight months since the breakup. I have moved on and with 100% confidence, I can say, in a very healthy way. From the person who used to flinch on the very mention of love or romance, I got back to my normal self, who still believes in the existence of good people and this mysterious thing called love. I realized that you earn your own closure instead of flooding your mind with questions that you won’t get answers for. I realized that the very person who left you behind with questions wouldn’t be so capable of giving answers.

Then, why all of a sudden, this particular snap from a year ago is bothering me so much?

After an hour of brooding, what I realized is, I don’t miss him anymore. That part of me died. Those moments when I secretly stared at his jawline and go gaga about him died. Those moments when he used to say that I am the most beautiful girl he had ever met lost their significance long, long ago. All I know now is, all I had from that relationship were empty compliments to cover up his lies, half-assed promises and the shock of betrayal.

All that I was doing yesterday was mourning over the death of something that meant everything to me. The love I had only and only for him, the way I was excited about kissing him, like the teenager who was about to kiss her love of her life for the first time, the way I felt every single time we met, the way my heart skipped a beat every single time I saw him. They all died. And I mourned ONE LAST TIME. I paid my last respects to all those feelings I had back then.

It was love.

And now, it is the ghost of my past, that came back, haunting me, out of nowhere.

I wondered if I would ever feel the same way about anyone else.

That’s when my heart spoke. I know it from the depths of my heart, that I love myself more and that one day, I would feel the same way or may be more, about a guy who is really worthy of all that I could give, and not some liar, who tactically and very carefully, builds a web of lies.

People say, you meet everyone for a reason. May be, I met that beautiful liar, to teach me valuable lessons in my life, for what it’s worth.

With that thought in my head, I breathed a sigh of relief and felt that ghost of my past vanish in thin air, like it had no power on me anymore.

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