platonic
/pləˈtɒnɪk/
adjective
- (of love or friendship) intimate and affectionate but not sexual.”their relationship is purely platonic”
If you google the word ‘platonic’, this is what you get. You guys know how much I think of love, relationships, and the psychology behind them. This week, I had a conversation with an old friend of mine.
After the last debacle of my dating scene with the bad-boy biker guy, I have given up dating altogether.
“I have given up on dating altogether. After not having complete autonomy of my life for almost twenty five years, this is what I need. Complete autonomy of my life. I guess I’m on a heart sabbatical, P,” I texted.
“Altogether? That’s a serious problem,” he replied.
“How?”
“Dating and having autonomy over your life are two different things, M” he pointed out.
“May be. But I don’t need love anymore.” I said.
“You sure?” He asked, gently nudging me into my contemplation mode.
Whenever I talk to P, (which is very rare, considering we only text each other once in a year, not exaggerating at all), he makes me think. He makes me think of the choices I make. He makes me question the beliefs I have and the way I live.
There again, one more question. I couldn’t stop thinking.
Do I need love like I need the breath of air? What if I forgot what love is? First of all, what even is love? I have said “I love you” in the past. But was it really love or was it some sort of attachment?
My thoughts automatically went to the first ever love I had. My college sweetheart. Did we nurture each other? Did we grow together? Or did we get on each other’s nerves and made each other’s lives miserable?
I have my answer. While it started with nurturing each other in the beginning, as it progressed, thanks to the long distance, our relationship turned bitter and sour, rather than the sweetheart romance it was supposed to be. He blamed me for being the way I was. I blamed him for asking me to be someone who I was not. Yet we hadn’t let go of each other until both of our toxic buckets overflowed and we snapped. You see, it was more of a toxic co-dependency than love. I have romanticized this as love on various occasions. I have called this my very best love. Was it?
While I was in relationship with my first, P was my junior in college. We met under weird circumstances. At the time, P was the only real friend I had in college. P always said that I deserved better. I used to defend my boyfriend(then) saying that he was a good guy.
“He can be a good guy and still not be good for you.”
I got pissed off and walked away when he pointed this out. Denial, I tell you!
Last week, all of a sudden, I was thinking of the things which P said back then, when I was in college. Those few months flashed like a goddamn movie playing right in front of my eyes. Suddenly, a realisation!
A realisation that the man who I called my ‘love’ (oftentimes my soulmate), was trying to covertly control the way I was. (We both were too immature at the time. I’m sure he grew up like I did). I was letting him treat the way he was treating me, assuming that that was how love was supposed to be like.
On the other hand, P, who I avoided while taking a stand for the so-called love was the guy who actually believed in me even before I did. He always nudged me to live rather than survive, to let go when it hurts, and to smile more.
“I love you,” P once said.
“You do know I have a boyfriend right!?”
“So? I’m not asking anything. Love can be so much more than what you think. Love is not limited to the boyfriend-girlfriend setting. When I say I love you, it means I care for you and I believe in you.”
Now tell me, to think of it, who actually loved me? Now don’t make love a romantic thing! Love can be purely platonic. In my definition, love is anything that nurtures you and nudges you to be better while accepting the way you are.
Finally, after contemplating so much, I smiled to myself. To know that someone loves you and cares for you irrespective of where you are in your journey is a blessing.
Like I said, we talk once a year. It has become a yearly ritual. I care for him. He cares for me. No labels. No girlfriend-boyfriend drama. A love that’s so pure that it brings you peace. A platonic kind of love.
PS: To answer the question if I’m sure if I don’t need love!? I do need love. We all need love. But again, love doesn’t need to be romantic. I know that there is a long list of people, my friends, who love me unconditionally. And that’s enough. It brings me peace and fills my heart with love.❤️
Love,
Monica.
That girl with Curlie hair 